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Rape: Myths and Reality

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By Rasana Atreya

Rape happens.

It happens in ‘good families.’ It happens to women, and to men. It happens to children, and to the elderly. It even happens when the woman (or man) has not ‘asked for it.’

Rape is non-consensual sexual assault. The US Department of Justice (DOJ) estimates that across America a woman is raped every two minutes. One in six women will be raped in her life time; the corresponding number for men is one in thirty-three. A sobering statistic – one in six survivors will be under the age of twelve.

Note: For the purpose of this article, I’m going to refer to the rape survivor as ‘she,’ though men can be raped, too. The [San Francisco] Bay Area Women Against Rape – BAWAR, where I was a rape crisis counselor, actively discourages the use of the word ‘victim’ because of its disempowering nature. Use of the word ‘survivor’ in encouraged.

There are a lot of misconceptions about rape. A common one is that men rape because it is in their biological nature. This perpetuates the notion that men cannot control themselves sexually, and therefore force themselves on women. This is unfortunate, because it takes away the blame from those who commit the crime.

It is not true either that sexually deprived men rape. This perception serves to excuse sexually aggressive behavior in men. In fact, most men who commit rape have regular sexual partners.

So why do rapists rape?

Rape is rarely about sex alone. It is about control. It is about anger. It is about the need to humiliate by domination.

There are many societies where men never rape women. There is documented link between rape and the objectification of women (‘item’ songs in cinema are a current example, as are having scantily clad models launch products not typically associated with women), glorification of violence, and encouragement of aggressive behavior in men, and correspondingly passivity in women (in movies, the heroine falling for the very man who, with his gang of friends, teased her). This is a dangerous trend, in my opinion, because it sends the message that when a woman says ‘no,’ she doesn’t necessarily mean it.

Societies where men and women are held equal experience little or no rape.

Another common misperception is that rapists are strangers. According to statistics compiled by the Indian National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB), a staggering 90% of sexual assaults on women were acquaintance rapes where the perpetrator was known to the survivor.

It is also commonly believed that rape does not happen in ‘good’ Indian families because of our emphasis on family values. In our culture family ‘honour’ is tightly woven with the sexual chastity of the unmarried girl. As a result, some families force marriage between their daughter and her rapist – on the consideration that the rapist has already has had sex with the survivor. In this Bollywood-ised version of justice, the rapist is actually rewarded for his criminal behavior, while the rape survivor is accorded life sentence for the crime of having being raped.

Survivors are often subjected to judgment – if she got raped, she must have done something to deserve it – like being drunk or wearing attention-drawing clothing. This suggests that men can’t (and shouldn’t have to) control their sexual appetite. By holding survivor responsible for the rape, blame is taken from the criminal behavior of the rapist, and placed it on the survivor. The truth is, women can be completely non-provocative and still be raped.

Men can be raped too, and not by only gay men. As with the rape of women, male-on-male rape has little to do with sex or sexual orientation, and more to do with control, anger and humiliation. Men can also be raped by women in positions of power (a superior at work or a close relative like mother or grandmother). Male survivors are as traumatized by rape as female survivors. However, societal conditioning can make it harder for men to give a name to their trauma.

One of the most difficult cases I counseled was that of a woman had an orgasm during rape. Convinced that her orgasm did not give her the right to feel traumatized, she suffered for years in silence. It was only when she attempted suicide that her family forced her to seek help.

Fact of the matter is no one deserves to be raped. Rape violates a person and strips her of control over her own body. Just because the survivor had an orgasm doesn’t mean she actually wanted, or deserved, the rape – orgasm during rape is often an involuntary, biological response to stimulation. It can never, ever, serve as justification of the rape.

There are women who fantasize about being sexually dominated (note the current popularity of EL James’ ‘Fifty Shades’ books). However, in their fantasy, they are in control. During rape they have no control. So the myth that some women want to be raped is a dangerous one.

Rape of a child, often by a close relative, is perhaps the most heinous rape of all. Someone who should have been nurturing violates the body and trust of that child. A sexually assaulted child will often exhibit age-inappropriate sexual behavior. An outgoing child might withdraw, start bedwetting, display changed eating habits, or begin acting out.

Date rape is forced sex between people who are dating. Even if the couple has had sex prior to the rape, coerced sex is still rape. In marital rape – rape in a marriage – perpetrators are sheltered by the notion that they “own” their wives, and hence it is acceptable to force sex even if the partner is unwilling.

Rape survivors often suffer from symptoms that are similar to those of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the syndrome war veterans are often diagnosed with. Physical ailments can range from bladder infections to STDs, headaches, stomach aches to pelvic inflammation. The emotional impact could be depression, low self esteem, negative body image, anxiety, guilt, shame.

Sexually, survivors can display a range of coping mechanisms – from rejection of intimacy to promiscuousness. Promiscuousness can give some survivors the illusion of control in the sense they choose to have sex, sex is not forced on them.

Some survivors feel they do not have a right to feel traumatized because they did not fight back enough. Rape is traumatic, period. A woman has to do whatever she can to survive the assault.

A rape survivor will need help and support to heal. You can help by acknowledging the rape. Ignoring or denying it sends a message to the survivor that she has something to be ashamed of. The survivor did not choose the rape, and she does not deserve the shame. Allow the survivor to express her feelings. Listen and be non-judgmental. If she chooses not to talk about it respect that, as well.

The first principle of recovery is empowerment – the survivor has to be in charge of her own recovery. Others may offer advice, support or assistance, but not the cure. Often, well intentioned loved ones will try to help by doing everything for the survivor. This can actually be damaging to the survivor because she is again (as during the rape) not in control.

Validate the survivor’s feelings. She has a right to feel angry, sad, violated. She needs to know she is not alone in this. Encourage her to seek help through a support group or counseling.

Never blame the survivor, no matter what the circumstance. The survivor may blame herself because rape is about a lack of control. Blaming herself is one way the survivor attempts to take back control. She might express anger at the people closest to her because she needs a safe outlet for her anger. (Fear is often expressed as anger.)

Don’t prescribe a time limit for the healing. Some women make fast recoveries. For others, effects can last a lifetime. Some women seek help right away – others block memories of the assault for years until they feel secure enough to process the rape.

At BAWAR we, the counselors, also acted as advocates. An advocate is a counselor who accompanies the family to the hospital and police station upon request. The role of the advocate is to advise the survivor of her rights, sensitize the police to inappropriate questions and prevent the sexual history of the survivor being relevant to the investigation. This advocacy is completely confidential.

Why are advocates needed?

In 1999 the Supreme Court of Italy ruled that the young woman in question couldn’t possibly have been raped because she was wearing tight jeans – the premise being that unless she’d actively helped, the rapist could not have gotten her jeans off. This same court felt ‘it is illogical to say that a young woman would passively submit to a rape.’ (New York Times, Feb 16, 1999)

Though this ruling elicited worldwide outrage, the fact of the matter is that the police are as much a product of their culture as are Supreme Court Judges. Unless the police have undergone rape-specific training, chances are they will carry their prejudices to their investigation.
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Rasana Atreya is a former rape crisis counselor, and is indebted to BAWAR for facts in this article. Copyright: Rasana Atreya (Linking is fine, but please do not reproduce without the author’s permission)


Filed under: Readings on Sexual Violence

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